My Despedida de Soltera was actually just a simple get-together party where representatives from both clans mingled for an afternoon of merienda. I think it’s usually like that nowadays, but I can’t help but wonder that it might have been a bit more different during the older times.

Given the Filipino culture of hospitality, the hosts for an event like this would slave for hours in a day in order to prepare scrumptious meals and serve the best for their guests. Nowadays, I think such hospitality is still practiced in the cities, but at a more practical level. Women in the family probably won’t slave themselves in the kitchen anymore, but would just hire a caterer. I’ve been a city girl ever since I was born, so I really can’t say the same for those in the Philippine provinces. Maybe they still practice such preparation for this pre-wedding party, I really wouldn’t know for sure.

What I do know is that here in the city, it’s quite common to be more practical. A small get-together would take place instead of a grand party with a huge, roasted pig as the main dish. Well, unless you’re rich and you could afford a grand party, that is

But then again, I think it would really just depend on you whether or not you’d choose to have a grand “send off” party. Just remember that the success of a party isn’t dependent on how much food you serve, but on how much your guests enjoyed the event you planned.

Such issues are usually just trivial things for the typical wedding planner; I’ve had chitchats with some wedding planners about this issue during my stint as an invitations-maker. However, it’s different when you’re the one who is actually involved. It’s easy to say “not to concern yourself about it,” but in reality, it’s not. In a culture where respect for the elders is an important family value, you cannot simply dismiss an issue such as this.

So really, how do you handle it?

The typical “arena” for argument in a sticky situation like this is the entourage. The mom would insist on having her kids on the entourage, and the dad will do the same—which isn’t an issue if the step-kids are oblivious to the high tension. If they’re not, it’s best to keep them apart. But whatever happens, you will have to make sure that each side will have a representative to “keep it fair.”

Another point of argument could be the question of who will walk the bride or the groom down the aisle. If your parents can’t stand each other, you might have a bit of trouble convincing them. Usually, parents would just do their best to endure each other for the sake of their son/daughter, but if they parted so badly, you can expect some childish outbursts here and there. And when this happens, trying to convince them to sit beside each other could only lead to a Family World War—so in this case, it might be better if you can ask another relative (like grandparents) as stand-in. Or if not, you can just walk down the aisle on your own.

You will be surprised how petulant warring parents can be at such important event. I even heard of one who insisted on having the live-in girlfriend sit on the VIP table. In such extreme cases, you will need to really assess the situation and determine for yourself the right thing to do. Know the right thing, do the right thing. In this situation, you know that it’s like a slap on your mom’s face if you let your dad’s girlfriend sit with them like a parent. It’s up to you to determine if you can subject your mom to such embarrassment, knowing fully well what a delicate issue it is in our culture.

There are many ways to handle touchy family issues in wedding planning, but most often than not, long, from-the-heart talks do the trick. You just have to talk to those involved nicely, keeping in mind to remain polite and respectful as possible.

Although being the apple of my dad’s eye has its perks (like, he’d make sure that my husband and I don’t go hungry no matter what happens), being a daddy’s girl can be quite a challenge when you’re about to get married. My dad and I were practically at each other’s throats the week before my wedding day. For some reason, we always had to argue about the wedding details. If my mom hadn’t suffered a stroke, this probably would have been avoided—we would have had a referee. But since things have changed, it was just me and my dad battling it out over the wedding plans.

I think the worst argument we had was about the first dance tradition—it even culminated in a shouting match where my younger sister had to step in. Though my dad said he “absolutely refuses to submit himself in such an embarrassing situation,” in the end, it all just boils down to one thing: he was afraid he was losing me. Though he never really said it. He just told me that it’s not that he didn’t like the Father-Daughter dance, he just wanted to be consulted on things that would involve him. But I understood what he really meant. After that major fight, it was as if we were both relieved of this weird feeling of impending doom.

Such father-daughter scenario is quite common in our culture. Dads tend to be overprotective of their “little girls,” and the attachments we have with our parents are usually tighter. Don’t be surprised if sending an aging parent to a home raise some eyebrows and whispers behind your back—some would consider that scandalous here. But the thing is, this emotional attachment usually bring about such conflicts like the one between me and my dad.

Unresolved feelings usually bring about tension, and tension can lead to conflicts and arguments (or even shouting matches). Although the best thing to resolve these feelings is sitting down and talking as parent-and-daughter, there are those who are embarrassed to do that. Like my dad and me. We didn’t exactly talk about the main issue, did we? But we resolved it. We communicated in our own ways.

As your wedding gets nearer and nearer, it’s best to get your parents involved if you’re quite close to them (come on, admit it, there are parents who are used to having their children living away from them). Tight-knit families usually encounter this problem. The pressure just builds up till one of you will blow off the steam. Though it usually works out in the end, it’s better to avoid than wait for a big fight to happen. The tension would be running high during the few days before the wedding (you are, after all, entering a new chapter of your life), and it would be pretty hard to tolerate an “intervening mom” or a “spoilsport dad.” But remember, this could be their way of coping with the thought that they’re losing you. Instead of ignoring them, get them involved. Consult with them, update them, whatever. Just make them feel like they’re a big part of the wedding planning. Things will never be the same once you’ve gotten hitched, especially for your parents. I don’t think it would be too much to ask for them to enjoy the days before their little girl ties the knot.

Have you encountered something like this before? How did you resolve it?

Maybe it’s because weddings are usually grand affairs here in the country; the perfect excuse to dress up and experience the “elegant, high society” life (at least for one day). They usually brought to mind chandeliers, crystal goblets, and expensive china. Not to mention extravagant flower arrangements at every nook and canny of the room. With that grand a wedding, I would say it’s an insult to your invitations if the envelopes weren’t addressed using calligraphy.

Calligraphy adds a touch of elegance to your invitations. And as they say, invitations are usually the first impression your guest will have on your wedding. Your invitations will give them an idea of what to expect. So if you’re planning the classic grand Filipino wedding, make sure that calligraphy expense is on your budget list.

Artists usually charge around Php2,500++ for 100 invitations. I’m not sure though, that’s just me trying to recall a quotation given to me about a year ago. Maybe it’s even more. The point is, I wouldn’t say calligraphy services come in cheap. Although I don’t normally approve of vanity… But if you got the money, why not?

Back during the time of our parents and grandparents, you’d probably be “required” to have calligraphy done on your invitations. It’s traditional. But recently, couples are becoming more practical and daring with their choices. Calligraphy isn’t a need anymore.

There are invitation designs that make use of materials not apt for calligraphy (I know, I make those kinds of invitations as a side job). My own wedding invitations made use of tags, each of them addressed using my own handwriting. Aside from the fact that I saved ourselves the cost of calligraphy, the hand-written address (though I can’t say my handwriting was near to being fantastic) somehow gave the invitations a more personal touch. My guests actually liked the simplicity and the… err… uniqueness of it.

Remember, expensive and extravagant stuff don’t necessarily make an event memorable. It’s really up to you to decide whether to you’d want to just impress your guests, or make sure they have the time of their lives. My husband and I chose the latter—our wedding turned out to be something that won’t just be memorable for us, but for our guests as well.

I’m aware of one Filipino wedding belief about wedding gowns and bad luck. How can I not be, when my elder aunts and some uncles insisted that I follow it? They totally went mental when I tried to say I wasn’t planning on following the belief.

Here’s how it goes… Elders say that it’s bad luck for the bride to wear the gown before her wedding day. If she does, the wedding won’t push through.

Yeah. Sure.

Having been a bride myself, I realize that one can be pretty anal while waiting for the big day to come. You do everything to make sure nothing bad happens. And I don’t blame my aunts for insisting that I follow this belief—I didn’t want my wedding not to push through. And yes, it’s true that it doesn’t hurt to follow it. What did I have to lose?

A lot, actually. It was a real hassle following it.

I’m stingy (no, really, I just had a limited budget), so I had my gown made in Divisoria (more on this later!). I was doubtful the gown would fit when I first saw it. Luckily, I was with a young auntie (she’s my mom’s youngest cousin, so yeah, she’s still young). She asked me point blank if I really want to try it on. I said yeah, I didn’t want to wear a gown that looked like it would fall off the moment I wear it. So we thought, oh what the heck. We just won’t tell my parents and my elder aunts about it. It would be our little secret. I wore the gown and saw how it fit.

I was right. It didn’t fit. It was too big. Now, that’s lucky. If I didn’t fit it, I probably walked down the aisle wearing a gown too big for me.

And you know what? Though I wore my gown before the wedding day, I’m still wearing a wedding band right now. I still got hitched.

How about you? Will you try on your gown before your wedding day?

Back then, Pamanhikan is the Filipino pre-wedding tradition where the families of the bride and the groom meet and plan the wedding. The romantic representation of this tradition would be the groom and his family formally asking the bride’s family for her hand in marriage. On a practical note, the wedding budget, the guestlist, and all other sorts of important details are discussed during this meet-up. The bride’s family hosts this event, and traditionally the groom’s family brings a gift for their hosts.

But as I have said, a lot has changed through culture evolution in time. Nowadays, parents of the groom and the bride no longer shoulder all the wedding expenses. In my case, Marc and I shouldered most of the expenses with some help from my mom and dad. And when this happens, parents aren’t the ones who plan the wedding, thereby resulting in change on the Pamanhikan tradition. Instead of being the ones planning the wedding, the parents give consult to the bride and the groom. They give advice on how to go about the plans, but basically leave the decision-making on the couple.

There can also be some changes on the location where the Pamanhikan is held. Traditionally, the event is held at the bride’s family home. But nowadays, the couple may opt to hold it in a restaurant or something. Marc and I held ours at a restaurant, Super Bowl of China in Eastwood City, Libis, Quezon City.

Regardless of these variations in the tradition, most (if not all) Filipinos still practice this custom as a sign of respect for their elders. It’s still customary in our culture to seek the blessing of our parents who raised us. In some way or another, I like to think of this tradition of showing gratitude as well—gratitude (utang na loob) is common in the Filipino heritage. Through this tradition, we are able to express gratitude by showing respect to our parents who have whole-heartedly raised us.